Don't say these things to the wedding couple.
"The dress looks lovely on you, but I wouldn't have chosen it"
We all know you mean "I hate your dress." So how about just keeping that to yourself, eh?
"The service was a bit long / boring / serious wasn't it?"
Have you never been to a wedding before? That's half the fun.
"Why didn't you invite more single men / women?"
Funnily enough, when we were deciding which of our friends, family, and loved ones to pay £50+ per head for, your relationship status, or that of any of our other guests, didn't really factor into the decision.
"Can I move tables?"
We literally spent three weeks on that seating plan. We had multiple fights about it. We finally got it sorted, and then our parents got involved and changed the whole thing again. Please, just sit down and deal with it for a few hours. Or just quietly move without telling us. We'll be too busy to notice.
"Your DJ is awful"
Um, pretty sure he takes requests.
"I don't like the food"
That's good because we definitely didn't pay over the odds for it, or agonise over the menu for weeks.
"Hmmm, so you're not big wine drinkers, then?"
Oh we are, but we save the good stuff for at home. Do you know how much corkage is at this place?
"Can I see the ring? Oh, did you just want something really simple, then?"
Dude, it was the diamond or the bar tab. Be grateful I have my priorities straight.
"So why did you decide to have a wedding after all this time?"
You literally spent the last five years asking us when we were going to get married. Go and have a glass of champagne and think about what you've done.
"What made you choose this venue?"
It was available, convenient to get to, and we could afford it. That's literally it.
"The speeches went on a bit, didn't they?
My dad's been working on his since the day we got engaged. Let him have his 32-and-a-half minutes of fame.
"Mate, just think about it, you're never going to have sex with another woman/man again!"
Who needs a burger when you've got steak at home?
"Why did you choose that colour for the bridesmaids? It's very unusual."
Clearly I hate my best friends and wanted to make them suffer. Also: Pinterest.
"Why is the bar tab closed?"
Because single malt whisky costs a fortune and apparently, despite the fact we've never seen you drink anything aside from beer before, you chose tonight to order six doubles in a row.
"Why didn't you invite . . . "
No answer to this is going to make you happy. So just assume we did, and they couldn't make it.
"Why don't you have a photo booth / dessert table / string quartet / videographer / welcome cocktail / more guests?"
The answer is almost certainly "because we had to pay our rent."
"At my wedding . . . "
Can I just stop you right there?