Kids change everything about your relationship!
- Alone Time: This one should be a no-brainer. She might have just given birth to the greatest little baby on the planet—one that sleeps its little heart out—but even if that is the case, you're both going to be exhausted, un-showered, unfocused hot messes who are, potentially, a bit moody because postpartum depression is real for both men and women. So, yeah, alone time is going to take on new meaning in the house. It might start to become more literal, as you'll both need a mental break here and there.
- Your Sex Life: Again, this is hopefully no-brainer territory. Your sex life just took a major hit. And the friends of yours who say it doesn't are straight-up lying. They want you in the club, sucka, and now you are. What's worse, even when you guys are in the mood, it's like those newborns sense it and let out a blood-curdling cry as if on cue. You just fathered a cock-blocker is what you did.
- Emotions: You're going to have a crybaby on your hands. This is not in reference to your actual baby. Mommy has decided that every little thing the boy or girl does, every television commercial featuring one (or about parenting in general), every ooh and ah is worth a bushel of tears. And, yup, you'll be doing your fair share of crying, too.
- Your Workload Around the House: You will also have found your home workload has tripled. The divvying up of the chores that was done upon cohabitating is out the window; for instance, if emptying the dishwasher was one of hers, it could become yours now, albeit sporadically. And vice versa. You both need each other to do what you've gotta do to get stuff.
- Your Patience: Since you're both employing so much when it comes to baby, there's very little patience—if any—left for each other. Your head might just get bitten off at least once a day, if not more. And you might feel inclined to do the same. Beyond that, a cavalcade of things one must do just to live will now enrage each other—the sound of each other's chewing, how loudly you guys speak on the phone to your bosses, your breathing.
- Money, Money, Money: The first-time parent who is on leave for however long it is—from three to six months, or even a year—might fret over money in a manner previous unforeseen. As such, there will be constant inquiries into bank account statuses, stock standings, if either of you should be taking on a second or even third job. It's one of the many anxieties that come with parenthood.
- Grandma's Sheer Presence: If you only saw your mother-in-law every now and again, be prepared for the possibility (probability?) of her being over much, much more often. She might just be a woman who can't believe that her baby had a baby, and she can't get enough of the lil guy or girl. But she might be over because your partner asks her to be.
- Home-cooked Meals: If you're lucky enough to score a gal who loves to cook and nails your favorite dish, you will probably have to just hold on to those memories for a while. Her signature chicken dish, that takes a good deal of prep time, is off the menu for the foreseeable future. You've got a baby to feed, buddy, and, if she's breastfeeding, you best not even mention your lack of home-cooked meals. Actually, don't ever complain about that.
- Your Bedmates: There's all sorts of ways this can play out. Either the gal who slept perfectly still, in the same exact position, all night long, disappears altogether, replaced by a flipping, flopping, exhausted woman who jumps up at the drop of a dime. Or she literally disappears altogether—as in she's in the baby's room, staring, ogling, dosing in the rocker. Or, finally, you're out, pal. The baby's in the bed with you two, and you're both holding your own in the small corners of the big bed you once called your own.